From Knowing to Going

Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.            Ephesians 3:20

 

 

 

 

October 2017

Why are some lessons so stinking hard to learn? I promise you, I learned how to ride a bike, tie my shoes, blow bubbles and drive a car easier than I have learned to just ASK GOD.

I know my Savior loves me. I know He cares about me. I know He hears me. I have the KNOWING down, it is the GOING that I have not mastered yet.

Am I alone here? Am I the only one that will struggle with an issue, big or small, and then all of the sudden it dawns on me "why don't you go to Jesus?".

This year has been a whirlwind for us, but the past couple of months have been crazy. Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am blessed beyond measure. I did not suffer any loss during Harvey, Irma or Maria. I was not involved in the horrific earthquake in Mexico. I didn't lose any loved ones in the Las Vegas or Texas shootings.  We have just been facing some big obstacles, fighting our way to get over them, and getting discouraged because I feel as though we keep sliding back down the uphill side, like it is greased with butter.

I have spent the past few months fretting about how and when a particular issue was finally going to be resolved. Last night, I was feeling sorry for myself, and thinking "what is the use, let's just forget it", "this isn't going to work out the way we hoped", and the best one yet, "why does it always seem like this stuff falls into place for everyone else", that one is a BIG O' LIE straight from the devil.

FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT DAY

I am so thankful I have a friend in Jesus, that he allows me to see proof of his love for me.  I wrote the above portion of this entry the beginning of October. I was so discouraged, I could not even bring myself to finish it. Instead, I left it as a draft and thought "I will go back to it in a few days". 

A few days have turned into a few weeks, and as I read through what I had previously written, my heart heard "See, I told you I was with you, and that ALL things are in my control.". All the issues that had me so burdened, tired and ready to give up seem so far in the past on this beautiful fall morning.

You see, I believe Jesus has been teaching me these past few months to work on my GOING to him. I have prayed the same prayer over and over, even while saying the blessing for our food. I don't think God ignored my repetitive prayers, I think he was gently reminding me, ASK, keep ASKING, BELIEVE, TRUST, and ASK some more. Do this until it is the first thing you think to do, instead of the last. 

What are you stressing over, contemplating, pacing the floors about? Get GOING to the One that loves you and wants to hear from you.

DIRTY DISHES AND FORGIVENESS

 

Saul turned and left Samuel. At that very moment God transformed him—made him a new person! And all the confirming signs took place the same day.                   1 Samuel 10:9 MSG

I HATE doing dishes. I am not really sure why it is my least favorite household chore, okay maybe cleaning toilets is higher on the list, but not by much. Hold that thought - 

If you have been reading my blog, you noticed that it has been a few weeks since I last posted anything. There have been many different matters that have overtaken my heart, thoughts and ability to write until now.  If you don't know me personally, you don't know much about my past and some of the things I have been through. Suffice it to say, like so many people,  I didn't have a Leave It to Beaver childhood.

 

When I was growing up, there was a period of time that I was sexually abused.  I don't imagine anyone that has been through such things, handles the aftermath the same way as another person. With the help of a great therapist, loving family members, and God, I was able to move past the hurt, disappointment, grief and shame. 

 

Forgiveness was a much harder obstacle to tackle.

Even though my father was not my abuser, I found it most difficult to forgive him. All little girls want daddy to be their knight in shining armor, and he should be. After I was a married adult, and the abuse had long stopped, I decided to talk with my father about the abuse. What I expected him to say to me was that he loved me, he was sorry, and that he would have stopped it had he known.

Instead, in my brokenness, my words were met with refusal to accept them as truth and the reply "you must not have remembered things correctly".
 

After several years of estrangement, I was able to forgive him.  Forgiveness came at an altar at the Church of God I was attending at the time. I had worked through all the other issues; forgiving the abusers, working on loving myself and setting healthy boundaries, but I was miserable because I held on to all this anger towards my father for not believing me. I knelt and prayed as hard, if not harder than I ever had. I begged God to help me forgive my dad. When I stood up, the 1,000-pound weight that had been on my heart and shoulders was gone, "POOF"!  Just like Saul, in an instant God changed my heart and made me a new person. I never felt bitterness, anger or hurt towards my dad again. Eventually we reconciled, thankfully before his passing from this world 15 years ago.

I was recently told by someone I love dearly, that they too had been abused by one of the same people, and that they believe my father knew about it. Suddenly, I was very angry with my father all over again. For a few days I stewed with emotion, feeling the bitterness creep back into my heart at the disappointment in him as a protector.

So, what does this have to do with washing dishes you ask?  I was loading the dishwasher a few days later, talking with Jesus about my feelings. In a nearly audible voice, my heart heard "When you forgave your father years ago, did you truly forgive him?". What? Of course I did, but this is different.  “Forgive” means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt. You cannot cancel a debt and then when it suits you, apply it to that person's account again. When you wipe a slate clean, there is no trace of what was there before. If I had truly forgiven my father for the past, then he was still forgiven now.

I feel so much empathy for the person who now has to walk the same road to healing that I did. It is not an easy road, and there are no shortcuts. Looking back at my life, I know that when I truly forgave EVERYONE involved in hurting me, that was when my healing took place.

IS THAT REALLY GOD'S STILL, SMALL VOICE

 

Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.    1 Kings 19:11-12 MSG

I have been praying for an answer. Why did I think God would unfurl a banner from heaven with the words "Do This" or "Don't Do That"? Maybe He would speak to me through a song on the radio, or a word from my pastor. I waited for one of these senerios to play out, but nothing, only quiet and stillness.

I am sure part of the problem is my own busyness. Honestly, I haven't taken time to listen to my husband, let alone the still small voice of God. I know I am not alone, most of us fill our lives with different things that command all of our conscience time. As soon as the alarm goes off in the morning, my mind is racing as I head to the bathroom to take my shower. "What day is this? Monday? Ok,"  I have my mammogram appointment at 8:00, then work till 4:30, go home feed the dogs, head out to finish painting the other house, grab something to eat, then before you know it, I am on my way home, and it is 10:30. Set the alarm, crash, repeat.

I remember last summer, I was presented with an "offer I couldn't refuse". I thought it was the answer to all my unhappiness with my job, uncertainty about the future and chance for change - all the things I had been praying about for years.  I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity, it was exactly what I wanted to do, perfect. Except, there was a nagging in my heart that seemed to to say no, this is not for you. I tried every which way to make it work out. I had discussions with myself trying to drown out the words in my head that seemed to say "not yet, not this".

So, before I left on our mission trip to Nicaragua, I made one of the hardest calls I had to make, declining the offer. Surprisingly, when I hung up, there was peace, not regret. Little did I know, that just three weeks later, God would open the door to the most amazing, life changing, venture. If I had not listened to His prompting to say no, I would have missed out on something much better.

Then, on Friday, while I was once again praying, it hit me. I am in the same position now. I have a tremendous opportunity to do something I love, to serve on a mission trip to Nicaragua. To teach a cake decorating class to the women at House of Hope, and love on the children at One By One. Who could deny the value of a trip like this, or all the good it affords. Yet, I have a nagging, heaviness in my heart that it just isn't the right time for me. It doesn't make sense to me. It does not have to make sense to me though, does it? I just need to listen to the still, small voice in my heart that says "Not this time.". 

I know that God has a reason for everything, even though in my finite mind I cannot figure it out. I have to trust that where He leads, He provides, and He sustains.

I have to trust that where He leads, He provides, and He sustains.
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So, I make the phone call I have been dreading, and just like last time - peace. I don't know what it is that God has in store for me, or what His plans are, but I am excited to find out!


When have you said no to what seemed like it should be yes?