Frozen! Have you ever been there? I am not talking about the Disney version with happy songs and smiles, or when you are so cold your nose and toes feel like they may fall off.
I have experienced the kind of frozen lately where I feel completely stuck, paralyzed, and as trapped as the boat in the photo above.
As I write this today, I realize it is a condition of my own making. I have been making excuses about being too busy, too tired, too involved, too - you name it. Everything except too ready to do something about it.
Those that know me, know we have a lot going on right now with trying to get our new little BBQ restaurant up and running. It has been a true labor of love for both of us. There have been meetings with contractors, codes enforcement, suppliers, more contractors, etc. I have used the excuse of all the decision making, painting, research, testing and meetings to keep me from writing. In fact, none of them are the reason.
I attended a writers conference last year. It was aimed primarily for Christian writers. I had attended before and felt like I had a good idea what to expect and was looking forward to learning more about the trade/business. I also had built up enough courage to present an idea I have for my first book. I was so nervous, but believed with my whole heart it was an idea given to me by the holy spirit.
I made the appointment to pitch my idea to a publisher. I was confident and excited. As we sat face to face at the conference table, I explained my idea, how I thought it could be laid out, what market I thought it would be best suited for, and why I was writing it.
As he looked me in they eye, I was so encouraged, he was really listening and getting my vision I thought. When I finished, he leaned back in his chair and sighed heavily. Here it comes I thought, he is going to ask to see a sample of my writing, I am going to get an offer to publish!
Instead, he said "I don't believe God would condone the topic, and therefore would not bless it, I can not be a part of publishing this book". I can only imagine the look on my face as I tried my best to hold it together. He was not interested at all in my writing, or discussing it really. We made small talk for a few minutes, then I thanked him for his time and made my way back to my room as fast as the elevator and shuttle bus would take me.
As I opened my hotel room door and stepped inside to allow myself to cry over the humiliation, rejection and frustration, I heard the door close behind me. The door to my hopes and dreams of writing. I could not believe how hurt I felt, disappointed, unheard, and mostly judged because his idea of what is Christian and mine were different.
I came home and talked with my pastor about it. I left that meeting reassured that I was doing what was right for me, but I had lost something that has taken me this long to get back. The need, desire and longing to write never left me, but the courage to put myself out there again, to write even here on my blog, had vanished.
So, today is a new day. No more feeling trapped by someone else's opinion of me or my work, my thoughts and ideas. I am moving forward with plans that I believe God has for me. No more hindering or blocking myself from the blessing and future he has for me and others.
Do you ever feel frozen by the words or actions of others?
What helped you?
Please leave a comment below, I would love to hear your story and encourage others who may be going through the same thing today.
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