Saul turned and left Samuel. At that very moment God transformed him—made him a new person! And all the confirming signs took place the same day. 1 Samuel 10:9 MSG
I HATE doing dishes. I am not
really sure why it is my least favorite household chore, okay maybe cleaning
toilets is higher on the list, but not by much. Hold that thought -
If you have been reading my blog, you noticed that it has been a few weeks since I last posted anything. There have been many different matters that have overtaken my heart, thoughts and ability to write until now. If you don't know me personally, you don't know much about my past and some of the things I have been through. Suffice it to say, like so many people, I didn't have a Leave It to Beaver childhood.
When I was growing up, there was a period of time that I was sexually abused. I don't imagine anyone that has been through such things, handles the aftermath the same way as
another person. With the help of a great
therapist, loving family members, and God, I was able to move past the hurt,
disappointment, grief and shame.
Forgiveness was a much harder obstacle to
tackle.
Even though my father was not
my abuser, I found it most difficult to forgive him. All little girls want
daddy to be their knight in shining armor, and he should be. After I was a married adult, and the abuse
had long stopped, I decided to talk with my father about the abuse. What I expected him to say to me was that he loved me, he
was sorry, and that he would have stopped it had he known.
Instead, in my brokenness, my words
were met with refusal to accept them as truth and the reply "you must not have remembered things correctly".
After several years of estrangement, I was able to forgive him. Forgiveness came at an altar at the Church of God I was
attending at the time. I had worked through all the other issues; forgiving the abusers, working on loving myself and setting healthy boundaries, but I was miserable because I held on to all this anger towards my father for not believing me. I knelt and prayed as hard, if not harder than I ever had. I begged God to help me forgive my dad. When I stood up, the 1,000-pound weight that had been on
my heart and shoulders was gone, "POOF"! Just like Saul, in an instant God changed my heart and made me a new person. I never felt bitterness, anger or hurt towards my dad again. Eventually we reconciled, thankfully before his passing from this world 15 years ago.
I was recently told by someone I love dearly, that they too had been abused by one of the same people, and that they believe my father knew about it. Suddenly, I was very angry with my father all over again. For a few days I stewed with emotion, feeling the bitterness creep back into my heart at the disappointment in him as a protector.
So, what does this have to do with washing dishes you ask? I was loading the dishwasher a few days later, talking with Jesus about my
feelings. In a nearly audible voice, my heart heard "When you forgave your
father years ago, did you truly forgive him?". What? Of course I did, but this is different. “Forgive” means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt. You cannot cancel a debt and then when it suits you, apply it to that person's account again. When you wipe a slate clean, there is no trace of what was there before. If I had truly forgiven my father for the past, then he was still forgiven now.
I feel so much empathy for the
person who now has to walk the same road to healing that I did. It is not an easy road, and there are no shortcuts. Looking back at my life, I know that when I truly forgave EVERYONE involved in hurting me, that was when my healing took place.
